Thursday, August 16, 2007

I'm not giving up, I'm finished...

So after serious deliberation Marc and I have decided to end our fight
against terminal employment disease.

Why? Well a few reasons. For those of you who know me somewhat better
than just the casual friend you'll know that a few years back I used to
get panic attacks, which are quite difficult to describe. Have you ever
seen a televangelist breathe the spirit of christ into someone, it's
like that but scary not being able to control your own body.

Yesterday while riding I broke out into uncontrollable tears through the
day and at one point fell off my bike and had serious trouble breathing,
my own personal warning that a more serious bout was about to come. It
took me about two and half years of professional guided help to get
these under control and its something I don't think i'll be able to do
on my own.

While I can't explain it exactly why this came about I think it has to
do with a few reasons:

1. Part of the reason I origanlly got these was due to an anxiousness
and overwhelming feeling I would get around people or not having the
chance to "have my own space". Spending everyday with someone and living
in extremely close quarters (a 6x6 tent) only catalyzed that
uncomfortable feeling.

2. By not getting my own space, I become quite irritable and rather
unpleasent, which I believe would not be fair to Marc, one of my
absolute closest friends.

3. For about a week and half now I've had pains in my chest and throat
which I can only believe comes from not reading and writing on a daily
basis, my passion in life. This my sound absurd, but if you are really
dedicated to something, you'll know what I'm talking about. The
enviroment I'm currently living in does not allow me to do those things
to the degree that I want.

4. Part of this trip was to really understand what's important and what
the next step in our lives will be. I know where I want to be going in
life and for a lack of better term, every day riding will almost be like
a waste. Not that I don't love riding, there are just other things I
want to do.

5. If I were to continue riding, it would just feel like work, which is
the exact reason we set out on this tour to avoid work.

This trip has been nothing but amazing experiences that have brought
about a completely new understanding of life. Just last night we stayed
with a bike club called the dead baby bikers at their holy place, the
church of the bicycle jesus. They even gave us their own bike chain
crucifixes and had us recite the bicycle jesus prayer.

Are we just closing up shop like that? Hell no; for the next week we'll
be touring the pacific rim of canada before returning to Seattle, where
Marc and I will go our seperate ways. Expect a few more updates.
--Scott E. Blozie

1 comment:

Lowbrow said...

Makes perfect sense, you gotta take care of yourself. Hell you've had an experience 99% of humanity will never have, so fuck yeah, you rock.